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    Planes of Parody


    By Sam Smith

  • 0 to a 20k in 6 seconds.

    It had to happen. At first bazaar traders had a monopoly over the entire industry, charged what they like, and all consumers had to worry about is how fast they wanted their mount to go, versus the price.

    Now the market has expanded, with several new horse breeders launching new lines, and lets not forget the lizard mounts provided in LoY, which account for 32% of new mount sales and a hefty 53% of all Iksar brides.

    Launching new and improved lines of mounts isn't easy, it requires very careful breeding. This is made considerably harder by the fact that bridles are essentially bits of leather, and don't often feel inclined to have sex.

    Jimmy Toyota -- a leading horse breeder, founder of "Jimmy's Mounts" -- refused to comment on the secret of his success, but he was seen earlier this week ordering roughly 6 metric tons of European strength viagra. To give you an idea of the kind of quantities involved here, that's enough to make Margarate Thatcher look attractive.

    "The demand for new horses has skyrocketed." Explains Ford Skywind, another top breeder. "Suddenly it's not OK to have a horse that's a few years old. People want the latest thing. Also, PvP horse eatings have really added to the demand."

    The new Toyota Nightmare"I'm looking for a new family car, something roomy, safe and child friendly."

    "I've got a demonic horse of DOOM! *waves arms theatrically*."

    "Erm. No."

    "Say it with me-- DOOM! *more arm waving*."


    The new 'Nightmare' model from Jimmy Toyota (shown above) looks great, runs well and comes with an 'immobilizer', meaning it's guaranteed to at least immobilize potential thieves, riders or unwanted relatives.

    Of course, horse breeding isn't an entirely new area. Both Luclin's Lord Inquisitor "Bobby" Seru, and Emporer Ssshaesellsseashells, pictured below, have been perfecting the procedure for centuries.

    Seru and Ssra, long lost twins
    "Bobby" (left) and the Emporer (right). Similarities?


    Apparently, the ones the lizards couldn't catch to eat have become stronger and faster through evolution. A similar process is used by the legions of Seru, although they don't eat the horses. When asked for comment, a slightly flustered Lord Seru said "We're trying to create a centaur warrior, dammit. And NOTHING ELSE!"

    It's not all about speed either. Calibis based startup "Land Roving Lizards" offers Drogmors that are specially bred to venture off road. The prototypes do however have the slight disadvantage of routinely killing and eating their riders, which makes them a pain in the ass to insure.

    "Tunare's Rangers" have created what they claim is an environmentally friendly mount which is incredibly economic, running entirely on local gnomes. "It's fantastic!" exclaims a delighted user, "I'm saving a fortune on horse food, and I never have to stop to refuel."

    It will be interesting to see what other innovations enter the market in coming months.


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